Rate the IL Hotel!–Hyatt Regency Columbus edition
Coming up, an all new Hogan’s Heroes…..find out what the boys from Stalag 13 are up to this afternoon…..then, on the news at 5 o’clock, one pitcher’s journey from San Diego State to Central New York…..a touching, compelling story that you’ve never, ever heard…..
But first, time for America’s fastest growing sensation….Rate the IL Hotel! Now, let’s check in with our host with the most (subjectively, of course), Jason Benetti!
Alright, folks, you know how it works. I’ll detail the pros and cons of the IL hotel in question. Then, I’ll arbitrarily assign a point score from 0 to 50 to the hotel.
First, let’s flash back to last week’s contestant….
The Park Inn Toledo. Score: 12. Shoddy web-surfing dooms duck-in-room-obsessed housekeeping staff to 25th percentile.
This week’s contestant: The Hyatt Regency, Downtown Columbus.
They said it: “Without question, one of the finest we stay in. When you couple its proximity to the ballpark with the ability to walk to the local establishments in the arena district, it’s one of the best! Too, the fact that it’s a couple miles from the finest university in America makes It all the better.”
-Matt Andrews, Voice of the Louisville Bats, unabashed Buckeye partisan and exclamation mark abuser.
- First impression. As we walked into the spacious, neo-contemporary lobby, the not-so-faint sound of screaming emanated from the “Big Bar” on the 2nd floor. It sounded as though there was a party of 200 upstairs, all laughing and howling at once. After completing a nighttime bus ride through Ohio, there’s nothing more uplifting than life happening for others. It makes you, embattled baseball traveler, want to keep your eyes open for a little longer.
- The internet. The Park Inn should take wi-fi lessons from the Hyatt. The thing is meteorically fast. Al Cowlings-in-a-Bronco fast. A white Bronco. Yeah, that fast.
- Room size & view: To crib a line from one of our traveling party, I could have played football in my room. There was enough space for 20 of my suitcases beyond the foot of my bed. Something about openness in a room makes the place seem more inviting. Also, the landscape directly outside of my 17th-floor window included quite the maze of Columbus highways. That was fun to look at for at least 30 seconds.
- Food radius. Within short walking distance: Gordon Biersch, Buca di Beppo, Starbucks, Boston’s Pizza and Ted’s Montana Grill, among others. That’s four-game-set heaven.
- Fragrances. While ginger on my snaps, in my ale and on Gilligan’s Island are all encouraged, ginger in my shampoo is frowned upon. Why do hotels feel the need to transform their guests into metrosexual Spago chefs? Editor’s note: The prior term may be redundant.
- There’s no such thing as a free web. The internet at the Hyatt costs $9.99 a night. I doubt I’d be as cranky about this had I not seen a local company’s self-serving commercial which extolled its own virtues for furnishing the community with complimentary internet. Where were you when I was traveling, 21st Century Robin Hood?
- Room service. After Monday’s 6:35 PM game, I was hungry. I also was busy. With the quick turnaround to Tuesday’s 11:35 AM first pitch, I had some homework to do in a short window. So, my solution was delivered food. I opened the guidebook on the desk in the room to the tab marked “Room Service.” The cover page displayed a picture of some pretty little waffles with berries on top. This looked tasty. There’s a reason waffles were featured. The menu consisted of three categories: breakfast, alcohol and snack food. The third category struck me as what I was looking for…..until I noted that one of the signature items was a 70-dollar cheeseboard which allegedly served 20 or 30 people. Imagining the entire roster of the Columbus Clippers gnawing on a wedge of brie the size of the oatmeal crème pie from Honey I Shrunk the Kids, I went to bed smiling and hungry.
- Fits and starts. The beds, once again, suffered from a lack of fitted sheets. For tall baseball-types, this, I’ve been told, makes for a rough night of sleep.
Score: 45. If they hand me 30 bucks for the internet and a late-night burger next year, they’ll get a 48 or better.
Thanks for joining us for Rate the IL Hotel! As always, contestants not chosen will receive a Rate the IL Hotel! jean jacket. Wear it in the fall, winter, spring or summer. It’s truly a garment for all seasons.
Chiefs open an eight-game homestand Thursday at 7 P.M. against the Gwinnett Braves….talk to you then.