(Third) Rate the IL Hotel: Columbus
It’s time once again for America’s fastest-growing sensation…..put your hands together……no, not like that…..no…..you’re calling a time out…..that’s a dove…..OK, clap. There you go. It’s (Third) Rate the IL Hotel!!!!!!
And here’s your host….the guy whose toothpaste is always complimentary and whose compliments are always pasty……
Thank you, thank you. It’s our pleasure to bring you the best in International League lodging on (Third) Rate the IL Hotel. If you’ve just joined us for the game, what happens is this: we give you three pros and three cons of the latest hotel the Syracuse Chiefs have stayed in. Then, we arbitrarily and randomly issue a score between 0 and 100.
Today’s subject: The Hyatt Downtown Columbus!
A 20-floored beast, the Hyatt is the nexus of convention center activity in the capital of Ohio. If you’re riding an elevator with someone and that person doesn’t have a nametag, you win a prize. Off we go:
1) Just nice. It’s a clean hotel. Hallways are neat. Modern. There are no cleanliness issues. The furniture all seems new. A few players have mentioned that the hotel is “big league.” I remember Trent Jewett, in 2010, saying that his suite was so big that he could have played football in it. This is in contrast to some hotel rooms I’ve encountered in the low minors that aren’t fit to host a game of jacks.
2) The radius of dreams. The Hyatt is more centrally-located than Omaha, Nebraska. Within an eight-minute walk: A Starbucks, Buca di Beppo, Gordon Biersch, three sports bars, Boston’s, Ted’s Montana Grill, a BD Mongolian Barbeque, Max and Erma’s and a farmer’s market. Bonanza.
3) Liquidity. In the first two days, the hotel has offered free water flavored with real: watermelons, lemons, honeydews and oranges. You ever try that? Do it right now. Take your water (I know it’s nearby unless you live inside Lawrence of Arabia) and dunk a piece of fruit in it. That’s glorious. Angels sing when fruit and water are mixed. Genius.
1) ….twice on the pipe if the answer is no. Sometimes great deficiencies are exposed with one small misstep. The first night at the Hyatt, I forgot to place the privacy placard on the door handle. So, at roughly 10:30 in the morning, one of the hotel cleaning people began rapping on the door. The dear lady’s knuckles must be rather like Fonzie’s jacket, because she knocked and knocked and knocked, all the while shouting “housekeeping!” I tried vocally to bust through the wall of knocking and screaming by saying “No, thanks!” I couldn’t. She must have knocked twelve times. Realizing she couldn’t hear me because of the noise she was creating, I marched toward the door. As I did so, she plowed into the room with her key card. What good does knocking and shouting do if you aren’t interested in the reply? Then, two days later, another maid knocked twice, said nothing and then barged in. We’ve got to have a uniform knock-and-announce rule for maids. The police have one:
Law-enforcement officers, before searching a residence, are required, 1) to announce the officers’ presence and 2) to provide residents an opportunity to open the door. 18 U.S.C. § 3109
Let’s go, hotel subcommittee. Make it happen.
2) Wired money. Like video’s relationship with the radio star, expense reports killed people without access to them. If you are a traveler to Columbus and you’re not there on official business, the Internet will cost you. $9.95 a night. If you’re a business traveler, that’s no skin off your neck. So, the hotel gets little backlash, assumedly, because corporate coffers are coughing up cash for computers. That’s an absolute cash cow. Also, what is a cash cow? Does it graze on dollar bills? Is it a macramé animal?
3) Elevators. This is a really small thing, but the elevators rumble a little when they start up. Maybe the hotel could just glance at the wiring and make sure everything’s OK.
Score: 91. Tremendous.
Next up, the Park Inn Toledo!
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